KOLLMAN REPORT DAILY NEWSCAST JULY 7

Howdy, folks. In a heartwarming Ohio update, 16 “almost feral” children were found living in conditions that make your average hoarder look like Martha Stewart. Four adults have been charged, proving once again that sometimes, a family reunion is more horror movie than holiday special. Stay tuned for the sequel: “Child Protective Services: The Reckoning.”

Meanwhile, Essence Magazine decided to crown Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson ‘The People’s Champion.’ The internet’s response? Let’s just say she got roasted harder than a Thanksgiving turkey left in the microwave. Apparently, not everyone is ready to trade in “supreme justice” for “people’s champion.” The Supreme Court just became the Supreme Roast Court.

And in tech terror, Americans say AI has them more worried than excited. AI: the only technology capable of stealing your job, writing your emails, and, now, giving you existential dread—all before your morning coffee. It’s like your worst coworker, but with better typing skills.

**WASHINGTON CIRCUS REPORT**

Over in Washington, the political health update on Mitch McConnell is in. His staff told us everything is fine if you consider “fine” the new “uncertain.” It’s the only briefing where ambiguity is medically prescribed. If ever Congress needed a mascot for endurance, it’s a guy who just keeps going, like a political Energizer Bunny powered by mystery pills.

Meanwhile, a three-time deported illegal alien horrified the nation by killing a 6-year-old girl after running a stop sign. The mother and younger brother are seriously injured, which raises questions about which stop signs we’re enforcing and which ones lawmakers conveniently run themselves.

And speaking of enforcement, if you thought the hammer and sickle was gone, think again. Welcome to “Socialism-Chic,” the hottest new trend you didn’t ask for—because nothing says style like a little good old-fashioned government control, now available in latte foam art.

**MEDIA MIRROR**

Essence Magazine’s backlash got us thinking—calling a Supreme Court justice “The People’s Champion” feels a bit like calling the DMV a “theme park.” It’s aspirational, but nobody’s buying tickets.

And there’s a report that Israel could be doing some Christian proselytizing near you. So, when can we expect the next church bake sale to include hummus samples and a detailed geopolitical briefing? Nothing says faith like a side of diplomacy.

Also, a viral video of DSA members describing their movement’s goals has been labeled “terrifying.” Which is interesting because it’s mostly them talking enthusiastically about free college and Medicare for all. Somewhere, a committee is furiously drafting a memo on how enthusiasm equals terror now.

**CLOWN WORLD**

In other news, gambling’s on the rise, prompting us all to ask: Is 250 more years of freedom itself now a gamble? Maybe when the house always wins, it’s time to question the game.

And Zohran Mamdani is “big mad” at ‘The View’ after a host correctly called one of his DSA candidates an antisemite. Nothing like a daytime talk show to spark outrage—it’s the political version of a roast battle, only with more shouting and less champagne.

**GOOD NEWS, WE THINK**

Ending on an upbeat note, the rise of AI worrying people might just be the planet’s way of getting humans to talk to each other again. If your toaster’s about to take over your job, maybe it’s time to call Mom, forgive your neighbor, or learn a board game that doesn’t involve screens.

After all, if AI ever really takes over, at least humans will finally have something else to blame.

Remember: in a world full of chaos, sometimes the best way to stay sane is to laugh at the absurdity—preferably before the bots start writing your punchlines.