April 13, 2026

In a thrilling reminder that American politics remains our most reliable source of family values, Florida gubernatorial candidate Kevin Cichowski was allegedly caught in a domestic dispute so productive it involved a cane, a cellphone, a 911 call, and a parade of at least a dozen emergency vehicles—because if you’re going to stage a breakdown, you may as well go full municipal budget. Police say he attacked two elderly people believed to be his parents, then, in the great tradition of the deeply self-unaware, accused the victims of being “on fentanyl” and having “a mental problem,” which is apparently what passes for defense strategy when the whole force has already been sent. And right there, amid the body-camera poetry and slow-walk choreography, he marveled, “You sent the whole force here, huh?” Yes, Kevin: when a political candidate allegedly beats up senior citizens and starts auditioning for a delirium-based alibi, the system does love a little live theater.

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