KOLLMAN REPORT EVENING REPORT — MAY 29

Good evening, folks! Big news today: Gavin Newsom’s new hobby is sabotaging California recipients of Trump’s Anti-Gov Weaponization Fund. Because if you’re gonna fight bureaucracy, why not use bureaucracy *against* the people trying to fight it? Nothing says ‘government efficiency’ like punching down your own taxpayers. It’s like Robin Hood, except Robin is stealing from the people who actually want less government—classic progressive remix.

Meanwhile, Senator John Cornyn sent the internet into a frenzy with a cryptic tweet after his own landslide loss to Ken Paxton. Cryptic tweets from politicians are like horoscopes written by people who don’t even believe in destiny. “The eagle has landed… at the wrong airport.” Relax, John, maybe your followers only need a map, not a mystery novel.

Down south, the Mexican Chamber of Deputies passed a reform allowing election annulment for foreign interference. Suddenly, everyone’s worried about meddling—except when it’s their own political party “volunteering” to help. Morena’s intentions raise serious questions, which is important when your democracy starts looking like a telenovela script written by Kafka.

In New York City, AOC showed up to an Eid celebration wearing a hijab and got treated like a guest who brought a kale salad to a BBQ. Muslim male audience members didn’t really warm up to her pandering, proving once again that wearing the right scarf doesn’t mean you’re wearing the right politics. AOC’s expression screamed, “I’m here for the likes, but boy, did I bring the wrong brand of virtue signaling.”

Speaking of freedom, a Georgia farmer is battling bureaucratic overreach over food regulations — because apparently, in 2024, growing tomatoes requires a background check and three licenses. Nothing says ‘land of the free’ like filling out a form to prove you can feed yourself. Bureaucrats are like overzealous food critics, except instead of ratings, they slap you with fines.

On the health front, Medicare fraud and kickbacks at 340B hospitals are going strong — which proves that where there’s government money, there’s a way to turn it into a side hustle. It’s great to see bureaucratic corruption riding high—some things never go out of style.

Senator Booker says Iran’s leader had a fatwa against nukes until Trump “blew things up,” but Iran still has enriched uranium. Translation: diplomacy is like a bad reality show—just when you think the villain is gone, they pop back for another season. Maybe Booker’s next move will be a cocktail party at the UN where everyone just pretends to understand each other.

In Maine, a state official invalidated a trans ballot measure but finalized wording for an appeal. That’s local democracy playing a thrilling game of “How Many Legal Loopholes Can We Invent Before Election Day?” Maine voters, you might want to bring popcorn to the next town hall.

And in foreign policy, the White House says Trump will only make an Iran deal that “satisfies his redlines,” which sounds less like diplomacy and more like ordering hold-the-pickles at a diner. Meanwhile, the UAE conducted airstrikes on Iran with U.S.-Israeli coordination, proving that when it comes to the Middle East, America plays broker, bodyguard, and occasionally, fireworks coordinator.

**LIBERAL LOGIC THEATER**
Welcome to Liberal Logic Theater, where the lead act tonight is: “If you don’t trust bureaucrats to regulate everything, you hate safety and want people to die.” That’s right! Because nothing screams ‘health and safety’ like an army of regulations that require you to hire a lawyer just to buy a watermelon. Freedom is so last century—today’s safety means submitting five forms, waiting six months, and ensuring your zucchini meets standards set by a committee that includes at least one person who thinks cucumbers are subversive.

**CLOWN WORLD**
Here’s your Clown World roundup: A senator loses in a landslide and tweets a riddle instead of a concession; a foreign country passes election annulment laws that feel more “Game of Thrones” than democracy; farmers need a permit to grow kale; politicians wear scarves for votes while getting side-eyed like tourists in a foreign bazaar; and hospitals supposedly saving lives are better at saving their kickback schemes. All while diplomacy involves “satisfying redlines” like demanding extra ketchup at a fast-food joint.

**FACT CHECK: MOSTLY FEELINGS**
Today’s Fact Check: “Redlines” in diplomacy are like New Year’s resolutions—mostly feelings, easily broken, and forgotten by February. The idea that Iran is magically scarred from Trump’s ‘blow things up’ strategy is more emotional theater than reality. Enriched uranium remains, but so does the hope that someday, we’ll just call Middle East relations a soap opera and skip to the commercial break.

Alright, folks, remember: in this brave new world of political theater and bureaucratic gymnastics, the real weapon is your sense of humor—or at least a strong internet connection. Stay sharp, stay skeptical, and if you’re in California, maybe don’t apply for that anti-weaponization fund. Thanks for tuning in!