Job Application: Full-Time Democrat Government Protester

📄 Job Application: Full-Time Democrat Government Protester

schoooools-out-for-summer

🪧 “Now hiring: loud voices, strong opinions, and zero chill.”

Name: Chad “The System Is Rigged” McFreedom
Email: yellz4justice@unheard.net
Phone: (only works on speakerphone during rallies)

👀 Position Applied For:
Full-Time Government Protester / Part-Time Megaphone Philosopher

🧠 Objective:
To stand up, sit in, march around, and loudly object to whatever you people are doing wrong today. Will protest anything except Mondays and gluten.

🧾 Qualifications:
Expert in holding signs with one hand and overpriced coffee in the other.

Fluent in Chanting, Shouting, and Passive-Aggressive Twitter Threads.

Master’s degree in Sociopolitical Shouting from the University of Reddit.

Can name all the amendments, especially the loud ones.

Can protest rain or shine (as long as snacks are provided).

Physically fit from decades of standing for what’s right—and kneeling for dramatic effect.

Legally banned from three city council meetings for “too much passion.”

🛠️ Skills:
Crowd Surfing While Angry

Building puppets that look like corrupt officials

Yelling “Shame!” in perfect pitch

Creating rhyming protest slogans in under 3 minutes

Sidewalk chalk artist (semi-pro)

Eye roll so powerful it’s been used to repel lobbyists

🏆 Experience:
Independent Protester
Everywhere, USA — 2010–Present

Picketed 143 different issues, including taxes, traffic cones, and “too many pigeons in government parks.”

Camped out for 2 weeks in front of City Hall because they removed the vending machines.

Personally responsible for 13 viral hashtags and one city-wide kombucha ban being reversed.

Escorted out of Congress once for “expressive jazz hands.”

📢 References:
My podcast co-host

A guy named Marvin who also hates everything

That one judge who said “I respect your passion but please leave my courtroom.”

✍️ Cover Letter (Excerpt):
“Dear Bureaucrats, I’m writing to inform you that I am sick of your nonsense. All of it. Every last drop. I’m not just applying for this job—I’m demanding it, peacefully but firmly, with glitter paint and loud signs.”

📬 Official Democrat Government Correspondence
Department of Public Noise and General Chaos
™️ “Keeping Order by Pretending to Listen Since 1787”

🗓️ Date: TBD (once we find the rubber stamp)
To: Chad “The System Is Rigged” McFreedom
From: Mildred P. Blazer, Senior Director of Containment & Optics
RE: Your Application for Full-Time Government Protester
Dear Mr. McFreedom,

After thoroughly reviewing your application (and several of your increasingly loud emails), we are pleased—no, relieved—to offer you the position of:

🪧 OFFICIAL DEMOCRAT GOVERNMENT PROTESTER (GS-13, Loud Division)
This is a full-time, taxpayer-funded role designed to absorb and neutralize public outrage while looking just progressive enough for the news cameras. Pay $25.00 per hour. Travel by Bus Anywhere

🧾 Your Job Duties Include:
Standing directly outside of government buildings holding signs we’ll pretend to read.

Chanting catchy slogans that rhyme, even when they make no logical sense.

Arguing with lobbyists in food courts and calling it “performance protest.”

Getting just enough media coverage to distract from real problems.

Participating in “controlled outrage simulations” during committee meetings.

Attending meetings where nothing gets accomplished, so you feel at home.

🎁 Compensation Package:
One (1) official megaphone, slightly used but emotionally charged

Unlimited poster board & Sharpies

Free government-issued tinfoil hat

Access to the Employee Wellness Tent (contains juice boxes and cold rage towels)

Retirement benefits that kick in after your 47th march

Monthly “Passive-Aggressive Protester of the Month” ribbon

We look forward to having you aboard as part of our efforts to give the illusion of democracy while quietly maintaining the status quo.

If you have any questions, please yell them into the void, and someone from our team will probably tweet back.

In solid-ish-arity,
Mildred P. Blazer
Director, Department of Plausible Accountability
🗳️ “Protest Responsibly™”