DEM’S DOOM SCREAMERS STUMPED BY ACTUAL WINNING STREAK

In a dazzling display of bipartisan agreement that’s almost suspiciously harmonious, the Harvard-Harris poll reveals that 76% of Americans think the U.S. is winning the war with Iran—a stunning uptick from the usual “Who’s on first?” media narrative that has Democrats busily doomscrolling like it’s a hobby. In a twist worthy of reality TV’s most dramatic plotlines, even two-thirds of Democrats admit the U.S. is winning, presumably after checking under their couch cushions for the elusive “bad news” they’re customarily served. Meanwhile, Republicans, ever the loyalists, brag an epic 91% confidence level, as if polling were a sport and they had just claimed the trophy. The surprise guest star? Independents, who seem neither confused nor terrified, chipping in a solid 70% win prediction—grandma’s bridge club has fewer rifts than cable news tonight. So while liberal media outlets spin a yarn about despair and retreat that might make a Shakespearean tragedy blush, reality prefers a far less dramatic script, one where the “losing” party is apparently the one discussing it the loudest. Cue the applause track for the American public’s uncanny ability to see through both smoke and hype—now if only Congress could catch up with that plot twist.