CALIFORNIA DEMS STRUGGLE TO LOSE STATE THEY ALREADY OWN

Ah, California Democrats, masters of self-sabotage and political theater, have turned their traditional electoral stroll into a high-stakes episode of Survivor: Sacramento. Picture this: a sprawling candidate buffet so packed that the votes might scatter like kumbaya at a yoga retreat, a labor union undecided enough to endorse nobody, and a debate canceled faster than you can say “political correctness” because excluding low-polling candidates of color would make the stage too monochrome, proving that inclusion is definitely a hot button—one that’s apparently more important than winning. Meanwhile, the party’s top strategists offer a 15 percent chance of outright disaster, which in political terms translates as “better stock up on popcorn because this chariot race is about to get ugly.” And let’s not forget the heartfelt pleas from Planned Parenthood’s CEO, sounding the alarm like it’s the apocalypse of progressive policymaking, because if the governorship slips through their fingers, it might just unravel all the finely gerrymandered houses of cards they've built. But fear not: voters will surely wake up once billionaires start throwing millions of dollars around, or as political consultant Steve Maviglio put it, when the snail mail finally arrives—because nothing says grassroots democracy like junk mail from people who can’t decide which Dem to un-endorse.