BRITAIN CANCELS YE, FESTIVAL GOES SILENT ON PRINCIPLE

In a plot twist that somehow manages to be both shocking and perfectly on-brand, Britain has decided that Kanye West—now politely known as Ye, because rebranding apparently works better than remorse—may not waltz into London to headline Wireless Festival after years of anti-Semitic remarks, Nazi celebration, a swastika T-shirt, and a song called “Heil Hitler,” which is one way to really commit to the bit. The organizers, having discovered that public outrage is less of a niche genre than a mass movement, yanked the plug, sponsors fled, refunds were promised, and Prime Minister Keir Starmer dutifully announced that the artist never should have been invited in the first place, proving once again that bureaucracies are always fastest at noticing the fire after the curtains are already smoking. Ye, for his part, offered to meet with the Jewish community and speak of unity, peace, and love through music, which is admirable in the same way a man waving a lit match over a gasoline drum is “trying to explain himself.” Britain, citing the public good